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| That I should visit you, my battered friend, once again with my wrath, holy as always, and willing just the same to rain down upon this tired picnic with new terrors that I have been off learning. How simple it seems to me, all of those previous problems, mo money and such, now I have gained new knowledge, which includes, of course, more treachery made possible by that opposing hormone, obviously my bane. And my desires, l'autant rational possible. Il me semble que j'etait tricked le plus grand possible. And you, my love, must laugh at a distance, after telling me that everyone wanted nothing more than to hear me SHUT THE FUCK UP. From the other camp I hear nothing but the scribbling silence of writing pens, corresponding to me the corresponding job opening of my own Camp David, that literature degree in comparison that I should be all too qualified for, if I would just put down the bottle. Fuck plans.
Rewind my heart, two years.
I see you bite your lip. I see myself perform the same action, which has nothing to do with you. I see my context and wonder what dream it is that I have lived in, this unfortunate peddling that I have performed, traveling between hearth and melting pot, between the black space of pure idea and the arena in which we occupy ourselves. I cannot escape you. Tonight I feel your presence and your correct judgment. Or maybe just rejection.
Or maybe I should organize a taste-off.
Here it comes to pass that I have dared to try another man's woman, and there can be not even a sniff without the sacrifice of my own partner, as young and pure as she is, without the slightest clue as to the depravity to which I will subject myself, before the toll of 40. She lays, at this moment, not four feet away, the summation of her twenty-two years, the hope of my father as well (and the extent to which he aimed his rocket); and I know that this opposite man does not possess corresponding values, and the choices that his femme has made do not correspond to an accurate view of reality. In none of those do I come in second place. It is against this wall that rational men surrender their childhood expectations. Any argument brought forth by me will just be dismissed. The defense is lazy and therefore effective.
Or maybe I SHOULD just stfu. Especially with my defensible philosophy.
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| I can't remember writing that entry about breaking a treaty. So, if anyone did happen to hack my blog, please comment.
It seems to me that I have not been here in a while. I have been consciously avoiding this page, and I am becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that it is my property. I definitely cannot accept abandoning it for such a long time, as I love to go back years at a time, on the same day, and read about my actions on the previous anniversaries.
What has been going on?. Let's just make a list of things, instead of using prose, I'm not fillin tha testimonial.
1. I've dated Megan since Christmas time. That, I feel, is a long time, especially considering how unexpected and late the relationship was. Things have gone very well with it, and I've definitely been treated for the various forms of loneliness that I had dealt with, though, of course, my ability to appreciate the value of others is still working well enough. I am curious about how these relationships work, and what the limits of it are. We hang out often and we get along famously. We go see every movie together. We go out to eat at many different places. She can hold her liquor, unless she tries to keep up with me, and then she turns into a drunk-ass and won't shut up. She listens to my ideas and she is smart enough to pay attention. She tolerates my enthusiasm for video games, and has sat quietly and watched many a time. I don't really remember everything that we've done, but usually when I go out to do something, she is there. It is a strange thing to me, though it is also very comfortable, and the time has been so quick. It is quite surprising.
2. I have become one of the senior servers and have been promoted to bartender. Things have gotten pretty fucked up since kara became the manager. She strives for a new sort of idiocy, that falls flat after several premises are proven true. She is just desperately trying to keep her job, which will provide her mediocre spawn with hospital payments. Bartending is pretty good, and it is less work than serving, though at times it is quite boring. Mostly I want it to put on my resume. The serving part is just as much bullshit as it has been forever, and every new time that I get fucked by a table, I want to quit and go tell them to fuck THEMselves instead of me getting fucked. heh. I can't believe how much work it takes there to make any money at all. It had seemed impossible to make 100 there a few nights, and I'm not sure that that happens everywhere. It is also a bad deal in that there are only 4 chicks there that I enjoy looking at. One of them though, I could look at forever. Hers is a challenging beauty that one does not notice at first, other than the obligatory knowledge that there is an attractive female present. Slowly the something that is makes itself known in an intoxicating sabotage of ones defenses.I am not sure how some people have worked there for so long. I'm not sure how the top server there does it, she must have a high tolerance for bullshit. I'll never understand her motivations.
3. Bike riding. I am still without a vehicle, though I plan on getting it repaired soon. I need to drive it to stl in a few weeks. fuck. My bike is badass though. It is fast enough and super tough. I've put a rack on it and you would be surprised how much heavier its upper inertia is, but it is so much more of a breeze to put the pack on the rack and pedal without a back strain.
4. I've been playing 3 a lot and I have hijacked the big samsung CRT TV. It is not quite as clear as I remember it being. I'm determined to get my 50 in TS before ODST and RECON are released, that way I can justify all that damned time played. I have a 48 right now and it feels like I win more than I lose. I've played XBOX for 6 years now. That is ridiculous. I'm no where near as good as I thought I was, and there are some fucking kids that you would not believe, just like in anything else. I'm not sure how those kids have such good aim, just like admiring vaughns amazing skill.
5. I've become nocturnal since school has been out. I should graduate as soon as I pass the WEPT exam. Though I also need to go talk to the advisor about all that shit.
6. I go out too much. I think I'll only go out when people that I would want to go out with invite me out, and keep it down to one day a week. So to make that happen I plan on getting some delicious whiskeys and scotches, putting them in the library, and then just drinking at home. Smoke some sweet smoke and then drink out of some rocks glasses just like Admiral Adama. The Old Man.
7. I get the urge for flight and then I despise it. I should be learning more about the world.
8. I need to work out A LOT MORE. I need to eat more.
9. I have a stack of books that I have to read. It has taken me 4 months to re-read Atlas.
10.I need to not fuck around so much and let the time pass so quickly. I need to figure out how to best make use of my youth before it has flown away. I need to figure out what it is that I want to experience before I'm old and fat and without health. I do a lot of thinking, but I still haven't begun projects that I said I would start ages ago.
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| you've broken the treaty now. what the fuck is our life.
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| I don't think I am going to graduate this semester. That of course means that I forgot to apply for graduation, since I've been in school for six years and I have no idea what the exit strategy is or how to go about doing that. I'm not even sure that I want to graduate at this time, since I have no minor and I would be receiving a Bachelor of Liberal Arts. The economy sucks enough for me to not be hired by any corporation. It would be best for me to acquire SOME minor. I think the closest one that I may qualify for is Spanish even though I haven't taken a class in it in 2 years. I'm not sure I would do very well in it since my grammar has since been replaced by French and German substitutes. My plan is to chill out for the moment, take only as many classes as I can reasonably handle without stressing out too much, and do good work in the restaurant industry whilst I wait out the recession. I must use as few resources as possible, and pay for all of them. My short term future should probably be financed as I must make several new purchases in order to have my summer in order. I have already ordered a new bike, which should be here sometime this week, and I'll pay cash for that since it is a larger investment. Between that and my knowledge of the metro system, I should be able to travel all over midtown quickly and with ease. I must also purchase one of those netbooks, as they are transportable and efficient. I plan on designing a database system that also links to a website of my own design, that way I may more fully live a life of the mind and constantly posses a link to my cumulative work. I am excited to learn how to do all of this once my schooling slows down a bit. I have several projects to which I must divert my full attention. I am refining my structure and my ideas. It is a defragmentation and organization. It is a political platform. It is an evaluation of values. I feel like this is the purpose of my existence, and to put it off any longer is an immoral delay and waste of healthy brain power. I feel so much less inhibited than I probably have ever been in the past and it seems as if I may do anything so long as my work schedule does not interfere with my plans.
I went through a rather lengthy period of 3 or 4 months where I was sure that I should quit my job, but after applying at my previous employer and receiving little hopeful response, I have settled down a bit and am more glad that I have the position that I do now. I just need to concentrate on doing a better job while I am there so that I may climb the ladder and eat up some of those bigger and richer tables.
It is a suspension of reason to believe in any spiritual entity. The more I learn, the more I am convinced that there is nothing apart from our material understanding of existence. Of course, we do not understand every single piece, and cannot yet explain all phenomena, but careful applicatin of those theories that we have discovered and intellectual honesty and rigour shall eventually reveal those mysterious causes. I suppose god or the devil could exist in a separate dimension from us, but there is no evidence to support the existence of such a realm, nor is there any cause to assume that if it were possibly extant it could interact with our reality. In the even that a god were to appear to me, it would have to go to long and interminable lengths to prove to me that it is indeed a deity, and not an alien possessing superiour technologies. It is probably not in the scope of my human brain to comprehend the necessary criteria for a deity. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try, or that I should surrender my own faculties of reasoning to the word of any supposed authority. I am pretty fucking skeptical on such an important claim of being-god or positive-god-existence. Heh.
I've been feeling really good lately. I have time for few things other than school, work, drinking, halo3, my lady friend, and family. The one thing that I need to change is my sleep schedule. It must become either regular and efficient, or at least efficient. I hesitate to use pills to solve this dilemma as I do not have the knowledge to perform such witchery.
I wonder if any woman shall ever satisfy me, or if I am stuck with attempting to be the means to my own end. It just takes so much time to get acquainted with each individual partner that I suppose I would ultimately become frustrated with having to change and switch modes. I also feel like I should be sampling more of the field. I feel like free-love is one of my values and I must justify the practice of it. I just don't really want to hurt anyone's feelings now that I care about those feelings. I do not take things by force or use force to destroy property.
I feel drawn towards a variety of music, but I know that any attempt at self-expression will be met with the worst possible frustration. I have musical ideas every once in a while, or come up with a sense of life feeling that corresponds to a musical notion, but I generally am clue-less as to how that idea would be implimented. So I'll stick with improving my singing voice since I have a pretty good ear for intonation and timbre. I also at times feel that I could be a fairly good rapper, so maybe I'll come up with a list of rhymes and try to take out some battle-rappers impromptu. WORD.
I have to finish this damned paper on Spinoza.
I am sad that the Big 12 teams were eliminated from the NCAA Tourney. Alls I want to see now are the defeat of NC and a possible victory for Mich-St. I can't believe that OU lost!!!! Fuck my bracket.
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| My mind goes at once back to the evening when you killed our love, and I, on the floor, pleading to at least be remembered... and how in exchange for your freedom I payed such sentimental resentment. My dear sweet Memory, don't you remember those few good times, when I can't help but relive the murder scene and the surviving three years that put my recovered pieces back into the crucible. How I would love to show you the latest iteration of what these molecules can construct. I fear, though, that I may just collapse into an impossible desire. I want you to see what I have become.
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